Sell Crazy Someplace Else
by spiffytgm
Summary: The next chapter in the Babe Tag Challenge... The Merry Men decide to seize the day. WannaBeBabe, Tag, you're it!


**A super special thanks to MMBabefanmmm for tagging me in the next chapter of the Babe Tag Challenge, and giving me a GREAT line to work with! Hopefully I did the same for WannaBeBabe because Tag, you're it! :-)**

 **The title is my favorite line from As Good As It Gets. The full line is, "Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."**

 **Same disclaimer as always goes here...**

" **Hey, you talking to me**?" Lester Santos purposely bumped into Tank.

Tank swung around and pulled back a fist as if to punch. As soon as he saw it was Santos, he opened his fist and ran his hand over his bald bead. "Sorry man, just muttering to myself. I went to the jail to bail the old bat out. Guess who was also a guest at the inn?"

"Aw, man, that was today?" Lester almost pouted. "Trenton was a much quieter place while she was in jail. Who else was on the inside?"

Tank shook his head. "Lula was in for soliciting. According to her, she mistook an undercover cop for her skip, but why the hell would she be propositioning a skip like that?"

Les clapped Tank on the shoulder. "Not your problem anymore, amigo. Just be grateful you dodged that bullet." He poked Tank. "Hey, if you had bailed Lula out of jail instead of Helen, you could have had an entirely different Blow and Go on your hands."

Tank slapped the back of Les' head. "I was much better off just installing the ignition interlock on Helen's car. I don't need crazy like that, but it was kind of nice being engaged. I miss that part."

Les looked around at the men in their cubicles. "Men," he announced, "We may not have gotten to do Operation Cranial Extraction, but it looks like Operation 'Life Over Lula' is a go!"

Les was answered by a loud cheer. Tank was sure he heard a few "Hell, Yeah's" and "Hooah's" in there. He raised an eyebrow at Les. "Life Over Lula?"

Les gave him a nudge. "Yeah, Operation LOL, get it? Cal wanted Operation 'Helping Everyone Learn to Love', but that sounded gay. Personally, I thought that Operation 'Friends Understanding Critical"

"I got it. The question is, why me?"

Les put his arm around Tank's massive shoulder and guided him towards his office. "You're the one who said to seize the day, man. We're just gonna help you get there. Be ready to go at the end of shift. This is going to be epic!"

At the end of the day, Tank showered in the gym and changed into street clothes. When he walked down to the lobby, he saw the Rangeman stretch hummer waiting outside. With a sigh, he climbed in. Les handed him a beer and asked, "Ready man?" Taking a sip, Tank said no, but Les was already at the front of the car telling the driver, "To the Boobie Bungalow!"

The Boobie Bungalow was a strip joint on Route 206, nestled between a fire station and an adult video store. It boasted women of all shapes and sizes, and even a few pretty ones. The men were loud and rowdy, except for Tank, who sat in a corner and tried his best not to be noticed. When Bobby slipped in some beer, Tank quietly picked him up and took him to the hospital.

While Bobby was getting X-rayed, Tank gave his information to Louise Malinkowski, who he remembered as a friend of Stephanie's. Several hours later, Tank brought Bobby back to Rangeman, sprained ankle and all. He was glad to be able to go home to his cats.

The next day Les asked Tank how he enjoyed his evening. Tank shook his head. "I don't just want a piece of tail, I want something more."

Les shrugged. "You gotta start somewhere, my man. Just be ready to go tonight after work."

That night after work, the men piled into the hummer and drove to The Roaring Donkey. The bar was packed with a good mix of people and the dance floor was jumping. Tank was pretty sure he wouldn't find the right kind of woman here, but he was willing to give it a shot.

After about an hour, Tank was ready to give up. He turned to finish his drink and leave when he almost plowed into a very angry Lula. She smacked him on the arm and said, "Thanks for nothing, Tank. I thought you were better than that."

Tank made sure that his face was carefully neutral. "It's good to see that you got out, Lula."

She put a hand on her hip. "Good my ass. Connie had to bail me out. She did a cash advance on my salary and put my Firebird up as collateral! It's a fine day indeed when the mighty Tank won't even help his girlfriend out."

Tank closed his eyes. "Lula, you broke up with me. You're not my girlfriend anymore." He reached over for his drink, but it was gone. He saw Les chugging it down for him, probably so that he could escape from Lula quicker.

Lula wasn't done being mad, though. "I'd like to see how you handle being all helpless for a change."

He put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Lula. I really don't have time to get into this, I have to get home to my cats." He took a step away when Les fell to the floor with a loud crash. Instead of heading home, Tank once again found himself in the Emergency Room.

Louise helped him out with the paperwork again. After they had all the forms filled out she told him, "You may want to stay off the bar scene tomorrow, since it's my day off."

Tank laughed. "I promise. Tomorrow I'm staying home and spending the day with my cats."

Louise smiled. "I love cats. I have two of my own."

Tank was just about to take his wallet out and show her pictures of his when the doctor came out of Les' room. "It's a good thing you got him here as soon as you did. He had enough Rohypnol is his system to take down an elephant. We're hydrating him now. He should be fine in the morning."

Tank remembered that the last thing he saw at the bar was Les finishing his drink. He was pretty sure he knew who slipped the drug in there and there would be hell to pay. It was too bad that Ranger would never allow them to ship her to a third world country with a canteen and a knife.

Tank was still brooding the next morning at their team meeting. He looked at Ram and barked, "Report!"

Ram looked at his notes. "Helen was quite surprised when she went to the liquor store and we were waiting for her at the counter. She put the bottles back on the shelves and stormed out. We followed her to the grocery store where she was eyeing the cooking sherry, but didn't purchase anything signifigant. She usually drives by twice a day, but hasn't attempted to stop again yet. Edna Mazur tells us that Frank Plum seems happy that she's home cooking and cleaning for him, but hates the constant nagging. Apparently she was none too pleased that he didn't spring her. She has become ostracized from the Burg Grapevine, since none of her "friends" call or visit anymore."

Tank was pleased with the report and moved on to Junior. He reported, "We decided to cancel tonight's activity so that Les could have a day to recover." There were snickers all around at the thought of Les getting drugged. "We are a go for Saturday, though. There's a beach volleyball tournament at Point Pleasant, and I managed to secure a spot for Team Rangeman."

Tank put his hand over his eyes. "Haven't you guys had enough with Operation LOL? We've been out twice and twice someone was injured."

Junior smirked. "All due respect sir, but no. There won't be any booze at the beach, so that should cut down on the alcohol related injuries. Besides, I told Bomber about it, and she said that she and Ranger may drive up to watch. I'd hate to disappoint her." As soon as Junior told him that Stephanie was going to be there, he knew he was stuck. There was no way that any of the men would let her down.

Rodriguez spoke up next. "According to Angie, there's going to be a bake sale at her church on Sunday. From what she tells me, most of the women that go there to sell cookies and brownies are actually looking for a nice churchgoing man. It's not something that we can do as a group, but it wouldn't hurt to check it out."

Binkie raised his hand. "Sir, you and I can go if you'd like. Ever since my grandma passed away, I haven't gotten any home baked brownies." Binkie looked so sincere that he knew he was going to have to go. He knew how important a taste of home could be to some of the men. He finished the meeting and went about trying to work for the rest of the day.

The next day, the men gathered at the beach. The weather was warm and the women were hot. Each of the Rangemen were given many phone numbers once the shirts were off and the muscles were flexed, but Tank wasn't sure if any of them would work out. Ranger and Stephanie were indeed there, and he was glad to see both of his friends happy. The highlight of the day was when Rangeman took the first place trophy. The low point of the day was during the final match when Cal and Brett both went for the ball at the same time and Cal ran face first into the pole supporting the net. He got a nosebleed, but seemed to shake it off. Tank figured that having Cal in the match with blood streaked across his face and his flaming tattoo may have intimidated the other team a little too much, but all's fair in love and war. During the drive home, Cal started vomiting. Tank pulled over to assess the damage, and Cal admitted that he was a little dizzy. With a sigh, Tank made yet another trip to the Emergency Room.

Louise saw Tank at the admitting desk and went over to help. "They're not going to let you go to any more bars if this is where you end up each night."

Tank chuckled. "Some of the guys are too thick skulled to learn, but this time we were at the beach. Actually, I think his problem was that he isn't thick skulled enough." Louise helped him finish the paperwork and went back to check on Cal. A short time later, they were on their way back to Rangeman with instruction to wake Cal every two hours for his concussion.

The next day, a very tired Tank rode with Binkie to the church bake sale. There were a lot of women at the bake sale. Unfortunately, most of them were old enough to be Tank's grandmother. He relaxed and walked around the tables while Binkie charmed the pants off the old ladies. When they left, Binkie was loaded down with bags of brownies. They were halfway back to Rangeman When Binkie started having difficulty breathing. Recognizing the beginning of what could be a major allergic reaction, Tank immediately turned the truck towards the Emergency Room.

Binkie was rushed to the treatment area and Tank once again found himself filling out admitting paperwork. He looked up when he heard a familiar voice say, "You could probably fill out that paperwork with your eyes closed by now." He smiled at Louise and she said, "You don't need to keep breaking those guys just to get a chance to see me."

Tank handed the completed paperwork to the admitting nurse and turned to Louise. "Would you believe that it's not my fault?" They both laughed. Seizing the moment, Tank asked her, "What would it take to get a chance to see you again?"

Louise smiled. "Well, I was just about to go on my dinner break. It's only the cafeteria, but..."

Tank took out his cell phone and sent a text. "Someone else will be here soon to take Binkie home. Would you like to go to dinner with me?"

o0()0o

Les and Bobby stood outside the cafeteria watching Tank and Louise. Bobby turned to Les and said, "Huh, I guess Operation Life Over Lula was a success after all."

Les laughed and asked, "Do you think it's time for Operation Self Help In Trenton?"

Bobby shook his head. " **Goonies never say die**."

 **A/N - The quote is, of course, from The Goonies. I summarized my chapter for my husband and asked him what movie quote he would use... He suggested either using just about anything from Saving Silverman or "We're gonna need a bigger boat" from Jaws. Mental head slap!**


End file.
